things are eerie

I have the most unsettled feeling and I'm not sure why. Today I plan to read a chapter in the book Messy Faith, spend some time in the Bible and in prayer and listen to praise music.

Amazing

My favorite definition for amazing is "astonish greatly". I overuse the word because lately I have been amazed by so many things. I am amazed that God loves me and how He has shown his grace and mercy, I am amazed that He has blessed me with such amazing children and family and with a partner/significant other that I feel connected with in every way.

Yesterday our 9 month old labradoodle, Leo, passed away. It was very emotional. I was sleepy so that exacerbated my response (constant tears). But I want to skip to my daughter's reaction. She is six years old and very wise.....When she returned home I had to tell her. The other kids are older and have dealt with the death of pets many times and they seemed sad but okay. But my six year old returned from her first weekend with her dad-that alone was emotional, too....twelve more years of every other weekend visits?......Of course I know she will be with me the majority of the time and I am so GLAD but it's a change and a big one

I told her about Leo and she wanted to see him so I had to explain that he was buried but his body was in heaven. Of course I realize that I have never seen a passage of scripture referring to animals in heaven but I BELIEVE they will be there!

Usually she wakes up in the morning in a wonderful mood. She either plays with her toys in her bed until she gets hungry or sneaks around the house looking for me to jump out and say "Boo" but this morning I heard her crying. I went in and she was hiding under her favorite blankie. She asked me not to come in, to let her pray!!!! I stood outside the door and heard her asking God why he would let such a good doggie like Leo die. So I went back in and asked if I could pray with her and she said yes so we prayed for Leo and discussed heaven.

So we just finished reading about heaven. Here is what we found:

Revelation 21:21

The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of pure gold, like transparent glass.

In another book I found some other passages referring to heaven but really, not a whole lot.

I guess I need to do more research.

I took Liz and Rachel to Lifeway today (Christian bookstore). Elizabeth had asked for a Bible since her other was KJV and pink and little girlish....so we found a good student Bible that she loves. Rachel just wanted a Vegie Tales DVD. Josh wouldn't get out of the car. He listened to his IPod while we listened to praise music.

He does go to church with his girlfriend and I have told him I want him to try going to church with me a few times and then we would go from there.

confused ponderings

I skipped a bit of blogging but not my daily Bible reading and devotional time. I also listened to David Jeremiah on the radio today as I ran errands. How I miss listening to Elisabeth Elliot! If only I had that kind of faith, that serene wisdom that she possesses, Lord.

But I am me and I was created by You so I must be the clay, Lord. It is like I was in a coma for so long and I have to start all over learning how to walk and speak and do the things that used to come naturally.....over a decade ago...I will work hard at losing myself and let You guide me and reveal the things I need to work on. I need the fellowship of other Christians, Lord. I need church. The kids need church. We are seeking your guidance.

What I wrestle with lately is the feeling of being alone. Oh, I do love waking up in my room each morning and not dealing with a certain someone and his bad mood or attitude. I love not having to talk and drinking my coffee and not dealing with some of the stuff I used to. I enjoy not having to tiptoe around while someone is sleeping in (as usual) and just be myself......It is so nice not to have that feeling of walking on eggshells. I wake long before the children (during the summer) and enjoy the time to myself. I honestly do not miss much...well, except intimacy. God, I know it is not a NEED and yet it is a desire of my heart, to have an honest and open relationship where intimacy is almost or IS magical....I know this can come only in your timing....no one night stands for me, God, there is no intimacy there...no relationships with these guys that seem to think that I have a need THEY can fill because I am newly divorced??? If love is not there it must be so empty. You know my heart, Lord, and what and who I long for.....but I am seeking Your will.

Thank you, Lord, for today....another day to love and be loved.....after all, what else would be our purpose on this planet if we were all alone? Thank you for the time with my precious granddaughter and daughter...girl time...and that my son is so helpful. Please take care of my older children, Lord, help them to know You and feel my love (and Yours) when they are away from me.

Back to being alone.....I like it in so many ways (except doing some of the household repairs but I WILL fix that toilet tomorrow).... but I long for the one I love, to be able to communicate with him freely...to love without restraints......to feel the dark separate and vanish and only the sun to appear....so we can walk in light...but I want it to be TOGETHER.....God, I love him. You know I do. But YOU love him more. Besides you, Lord, I cannot imagine that anyone else could love him more than I do. We are so compatible.....and we want so many of the same things in a relationship....Please give him a sense of peace and again, clarity, as he makes decisions. Help him know that you and I are always here, always loving him and hoping for the best for his life. Is he divorced in your eyes already, Lord? Are we both wrong for divorcing? I find that so hard to believe....I know you want us to have happiness...that you want good things for us, God. Please know that I would just LOVE a SIGN....do you do those any more? I remember one very vividly.

Remember when my oldest child came to me and shared the dream about something being wrong with my heart (my physical heart) before we even knew? Remember the angels she told me about and the message from you? God, that WAS you. I know I was walking more closely with you then, Lord, but certainly was dealing with some issues (just different ones)....and yet you loved me enough...us enough....and sent that sign that will never be forgotten. Thank you, Lord!

I have a confession, Lord. Sometimes I really wonder if the Bible is Your infallible WORD. Could it be that during translations that some things were changed? Oh I believe the ten commandments and I believe that You sent Your Son to die for our sins and I believe in heaven and I try not to focus on hell too much. There is SO much wisdom in Your Word, Lord.....I hope you will forgive me if I am wrong but I often wonder not just about translation but interpretation. I had a long discussion today with my daughter about denominations and tried to explain the differences but, Lord, that, too, is SO confusing. There are so many times I long for a simple life. Maybe it is heaven that I am looking forward to :)

Thank you for all of the necessities that you provided for us today, God, and a special thank you for the provision of YOUR Amazing Love and Grace.

My eyes are blurry and my body is weary tonight, Lord. Am I asking too much for you to take away the problems that are happening again with the left side of my body? I feel I ask and ask and yet I do want to GIVE to you as well.....Please lead me to people that need me, that need You and help me show you...show LOVE.

5:11 on day 3

To listen to this song, stop playlist on right and open in a new window.

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/additem/652612625


Is this breaking a rule? If so, this time it is my fault...there is something about three days...some significance.... Why is it that the pain seems to hit hardest on day three, so much so that we rarely find out about day 4? I was a Navy wife, one who waited three months many times to see my husband and yet this is an amazing difference....The compatibility is so amazing I could not begin to articulate it.

Is sharing this blog the wrong thing to do. I am undecided. God, I hurt. I have such respect for this commitment and yet this feels like a death. Please, PLEASE take away the pain. Maybe tomorrow or even later tonight I can thank you for the pain. Why now, Lord? Why now. I know YOU know the answers, God, and one day I will look back and this pain will be a distant memory or maybe I won't even be able to recall it...I know it is the fear but fear is not the issue here...it is between you and him...and you and me.....YOU are LOVE, God...I have been reading some very interesting articles on divorce today in between moving things and unpacking boxes. It seems everyone has a different opinion.... and I'm talking about Christian leaders....but does one spend a life in misery? Does it have to continue if it isn't "right" in many ways...does it have to continue "until death do us part"......especially if the marriage is killing the person or people involved.....

God, I love you and I want you to be first in my life. I am seeking Your will.... I don't walk in those shoes so it is not my decision to make.. I have said and do mean that all contact must cease....and If that is your will, Lord, will you give me the strength? For I know I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me....

Show ME your Will, too, Oh Lord...

day 2-giving thanks

I have committed to reading my new Bible (large print for when I am old and NIV because a friend recommended it) daily, praying regularly and learning how to walk with Him again and live a life that pleases Him.

Divorce is hard, Lord. I know you know that. I know that you have heard my prayers, have forgiven me for my part in the breakdown of the relationship. Thank you for your mercy! I cannot say it enough! I thank you for making your presence known during this time....I thank you for the answered prayers. I am also grateful for the last year of physical problems and emotional issues, marital problems, and more. I know that these things play a major role in bringing me to my knees, acknowledging your presence and ultimately, hopefully, leading me to a more abundant and blessed life because of it.

But, God, this morning feels dark. I have a lump in my throat and I feel a little alone. And yet....I still feel your presence.....I feel your Spirit. There is a major void in my life and I long for it to be filled. You know my longing, Lord, and I lay it at your feet.

Thank you for showing me what you did last night. I had not thought about how far away I had wandered. Could it be that I am no longer saved? After that "message" on the radio I was seriously doubting my salvation and then....well...I think it's just a re commitment that I need because I do "feel" your presence. I feel it in the compassion that I have for others, I feel it in the whisperings of the Holy Spirit that I have all too often ignored.....and I feel it in other ways as well.

Thank you for your blessings. Thank you for providing for the children and myself. I know it is You. God, I am committed to reading my new Bible every day, to reading the devotional book each day, both in the morning and at night. I will also listen to the praise music in the car and at home. I do praise you, Oh God, I praise you for all you have done and all you are doing, not just in my life but in others....I praise You, God, because You alone are worthy!

God, You are so merciful. Thank you for your forgiveness. Thank you for your mercies.... Lately this is the most accurate hymn lyrics that describe how I feel each day, even with the void...

Morning by morning new mercies I see
all that I needed Thy hand hath provided....
Great is Thy faithfulness,
Lord, unto me.

My prayer list:

My children, who also need you in their lives. Please lead us to a church that we can all grow and give in.

My ex because he claims to be agnostic and you know how he feels about Jesus. Lord, help him believe....help him during this period of solitude in our house, which must be lonely, especially with the memories and the echoes of a family....Help him believe in Your Son and that He died on the cross for HIM! Help him as he works through anger and bitterness.

For my friend as he spends his time reconnecting with You also and maybe makes his decision. Let it be between You and him. SHOW him Your way, Oh God, without me, without the idea of losing material things, just with what you want for his future which I know is all good. God, he showed me that You are not found in a box...you are not a recipe that all that is needed is to add milk and eggs and stir. You are so much more than that. You mean for us to ENJOY our lives, to have fun and laugh and play as we also work and share Your message, to lead others to You, to share our gifts. Thank you for this friend, God... I beg of you to give him the clarity he seeks!

God, I have a selfish prayer. I want to be able to sing again....You know how important that was to me as a teenager singing solos and in the choir in school....I LOVE it...and yet I believe the talent/gift is gone now and I wonder if you will help return it...I will use it for your glory and in your honor.

Speaking of which, God, I want to thank you for reminding me that I am Your daughter.....through all of the emotional turmoil, name calling, patronizing things that have been said to me, I have not felt very worthy.

Most of all, God, I knew I was living in sin......and now I want to walk in the light. Thank you for your Spirit who reminded me to listen and follow You and once again, Lord, maybe I will feel worthy of being called Your daughter...although I know NONE of us are worthy of what Jesus did on the cross for us.....what You did when you sent Your son to earth for us....I think of my children, God, and I KNOW that would be the ultimate sacrifice...

Lord, I want to also thank you for your healing touch...thank you, God, for the doctors who are helping me but I know it is You who should and shall receive the glory.....thank YOU.

Day 1

Dear God,

How many emails have You received? While this isn't technically an email -it is a journal of my path of rediscovering who You are. I don't know if anyone else ever reads this but this is my heart, poured out and empty and seeking Your love to fill it.....your guidance in my life.

God, I have been so out of Your Will for my life just due to the basic fact that I haven't even sought it. I have been going along my way and now I find that my way is cyclical, shallow, selfish, and, well, stupid. You were my Creator and You have a plan for me. Please don't let it be too late, God. I want to be a tool you can use, have an impact on other's lives and share Your love and story of salvation. I want to find out what it is like to live in Your Will again. I am only human. You are God and I am not.

Thank You for the MANY times you have saved my life (literally) over the last couple of years. Thank You for allowing me to still be here, to love and find and open my heart to You again....to love my children and teach them (again, my attempts at raising and training them without you are so insignificant I am sure, not to mention I have done a poor job as an example when I have not shown them You in my life).

Thank YOU for your forgiveness! I have done so much that I apologize for that the list would take up the whole blog. I know you know these things, Lord, and I know you will be with me as I find my way back to You and learn how to listen to the Holy Spirit once again.

And the amazing part of it all is that I deserve none of the above!!!!!!!!!! I deserve death and punishment and instead I have seen Your GRACE AND MERCY!!!!!! Lord, I cannot possibly say how that gives me such a sense of not only gratitude, but wonder.

This message reminds me of a baby just learning to walk....maybe a baby giraffe....very awkward, so far to go, so much to re-learn, so weak and yet determined......God, it has been SO long since I have cried out to you and prayed earnestly. I am ready, Lord, I am ready to hand my life back over to You. I am so sorry that I was living life without You....that I came so close to denying Your existence.....and according to Your Word, that is the unforgivable sin. Please help me be an example of You and Your Love to my children, namely the ones who are doubting you as well, you know their names, you know every hair on their heads. Help me show Your Love.

God, he talks of blessings. I feel so humble because I have your blessings but I would like to ask that 1. you help me be a witness for You. 2. you lead me to a church that we can serve and grow in and 3. help me provide for my family in every way and 4. please help both (you know who I mean) see and seek You in their lives. If one or both are not saved, God, I pray that someone or something (even me) will lead them to you if they are not led on their own. Lord, I acknowledge your omnipotence and omniscience and I THANK you...for everything....everything you have done for me that is so undeserved.

How can I say thanks
for all the things
that you have done for me?
Things, so undeserved, and yet you died
to prove your love for me...
The voices of a million angels
could not express
my gratitude
All that I am....
and ever hope to be...
I owe it all to Thee...

To God be the Glory
To God be the Glory
To God be the Glory

for great things HE has done!!