But I am me and I was created by You so I must be the clay, Lord. It is like I was in a coma for so long and I have to start all over learning how to walk and speak and do the things that used to come naturally.....over a decade ago...I will work hard at losing myself and let You guide me and reveal the things I need to work on. I need the fellowship of other Christians, Lord. I need church. The kids need church. We are seeking your guidance.
What I wrestle with lately is the feeling of being alone. Oh, I do love waking up in my room each morning and not dealing with a certain someone and his bad mood or attitude. I love not having to talk and drinking my coffee and not dealing with some of the stuff I used to. I enjoy not having to tiptoe around while someone is sleeping in (as usual) and just be myself......It is so nice not to have that feeling of walking on eggshells. I wake long before the children (during the summer) and enjoy the time to myself. I honestly do not miss much...well, except intimacy. God, I know it is not a NEED and yet it is a desire of my heart, to have an honest and open relationship where intimacy is almost or IS magical....I know this can come only in your timing....no one night stands for me, God, there is no intimacy there...no relationships with these guys that seem to think that I have a need THEY can fill because I am newly divorced??? If love is not there it must be so empty. You know my heart, Lord, and what and who I long for.....but I am seeking Your will.
Thank you, Lord, for today....another day to love and be loved.....after all, what else would be our purpose on this planet if we were all alone? Thank you for the time with my precious granddaughter and daughter...girl time...and that my son is so helpful. Please take care of my older children, Lord, help them to know You and feel my love (and Yours) when they are away from me.
Back to being alone.....I like it in so many ways (except doing some of the household repairs but I WILL fix that toilet tomorrow).... but I long for the one I love, to be able to communicate with him freely...to love without restraints......to feel the dark separate and vanish and only the sun to appear....so we can walk in light...but I want it to be TOGETHER.....God, I love him. You know I do. But YOU love him more. Besides you, Lord, I cannot imagine that anyone else could love him more than I do. We are so compatible.....and we want so many of the same things in a relationship....Please give him a sense of peace and again, clarity, as he makes decisions. Help him know that you and I are always here, always loving him and hoping for the best for his life. Is he divorced in your eyes already, Lord? Are we both wrong for divorcing? I find that so hard to believe....I know you want us to have happiness...that you want good things for us, God. Please know that I would just LOVE a SIGN....do you do those any more? I remember one very vividly.
Remember when my oldest child came to me and shared the dream about something being wrong with my heart (my physical heart) before we even knew? Remember the angels she told me about and the message from you? God, that WAS you. I know I was walking more closely with you then, Lord, but certainly was dealing with some issues (just different ones)....and yet you loved me enough...us enough....and sent that sign that will never be forgotten. Thank you, Lord!
I have a confession, Lord. Sometimes I really wonder if the Bible is Your infallible WORD. Could it be that during translations that some things were changed? Oh I believe the ten commandments and I believe that You sent Your Son to die for our sins and I believe in heaven and I try not to focus on hell too much. There is SO much wisdom in Your Word, Lord.....I hope you will forgive me if I am wrong but I often wonder not just about translation but interpretation. I had a long discussion today with my daughter about denominations and tried to explain the differences but, Lord, that, too, is SO confusing. There are so many times I long for a simple life. Maybe it is heaven that I am looking forward to :)Thank you for all of the necessities that you provided for us today, God, and a special thank you for the provision of YOUR Amazing Love and Grace.
My eyes are blurry and my body is weary tonight, Lord. Am I asking too much for you to take away the problems that are happening again with the left side of my body? I feel I ask and ask and yet I do want to GIVE to you as well.....Please lead me to people that need me, that need You and help me show you...show LOVE.
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